Thoughts

My journal has been empty for a few weeks. I haven’t been on the blog for a few months. Things are up and down. I’m still uncertain about alot of things. I have dreams and hopes and goals. I just don’t know how to express them. I want to be confident in myself, trusting myself with all my decisions. Its easy to say “take things one day at a time” but its not so easy to do. Anxiety creeps in, then stress, then depression. Why can’t I be like this person or that person? What am I doing wrong? The questions plague my mind on a daily basis. TV brings a small distraction but not much. I want my life to work out, I want to be happy. Trusting in a higher power is hard. So very hard. People say to keep the faith, believe, all that gussy stuff, it hasn’t worked for me. Everything is tough. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to keep going. Yet I wake up everyday. Why? What is the purpose? Why haven’t I found it yet? So much uncertainty. What should I do? I don’t know and I don’t want to ask others because they will say its up to me. So I consider grad school, I have started the applications, got my recommendations, and wrote my statements. The GRE test is next month, so I am studying for that. I don’t know if it will work out for me but I am trying it out. I just don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing. As I said, its all uncertain. Employment is up and down also. I had a job that lasted a few months because the company was going out of business. I have been looking for a job since before the place closed in early September. Still looking. Its so discouraging. I went back to a previous job but its only an as needed type of job so I don’t work everyday. Hence why I need a day job. I am tired of being rejected. Interview after interview and no offers. I can’t deal with this. I just want things to be great. Why can’t things be great?

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