In this new year

In this new year, I want to make concrete decisions about my future. In this new year, I want to have hope, confidence, and faith. I am praying again. Days are tough sometimes. I still have doubts, fear, and moments of despair. Trying to overcome them. It is only January, hopefully things will get better. I cling to that hope. Music is still getting me through. TV as well. Loose ends haven’t been tied up yet, might not be til April, if I make it that long. Not sure about too much of anything. I don’t want my life to end, as a unfullfilled loser. I am not a loser. I have achieved many things in my life, but sometimes I feel as if it isn’t enough. I don’t know about a lot of things. It is hard to make a decision on anything. Venting helps. I try not to wallow in self-pity because that only makes it worse. I had a dream long ago, I wanted it to come true, maybe it still can. I am not sure, that is what is bothering me. Should I move on and do something else or go back and try to achieve that dream again? That is where I am right now. Trying to decide whether to move on or go back and follow that dream. Believe the quote is “if at first you don’t succeed, brush yourself off and try again” or maybe that is in Aaliyah’s song. Pretty sure it was a quote though first. Either way, I ask myself everyday, would I be happy moving on to something else or would I be happy going back and trying again. I can’t really listen to others advice, because it is my life and I have to be happy with the choice I ultimately make. I ask God for guidance. Maybe I should read the bible more, pray harder. Maybe it will work. God may be working in the spiritual world and I just can’t see it. The Bible says, to walk by faith and not by sight. That is tough for people who want to plan their life. Having faith is very hard. God has a plan for everyone’s life? Maybe, I am not sure. Sometimes I do not know if God really has a plan for me. Is there really a reason I am alive? I am sure many people have these questions everyday. I know I do. As I said, its only January, there is time for things to get better I guess. I hope.

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