It’s been a rough couple days for me. I need melatonin to sleep and even then cannot sleep through the night. Work has been exhausting when I normally am indifferent toward it. Memories from my childhood have now crept into my daily thoughts. I’m honestly struggling right now. Today is my first day off since last Wednesday and all I will be doing today is listening to music and taking naps. I don’t have the mental energy to do much else. I’m really not with the bullshit today. To keep myself from completely losing it, I have to write these feelings out. It’s the only way I can process it. I am trying to understand what keeps people going. What the fuck about this shitstorm of a world makes people want to stay? What is it, because I’m having a hard time figuring this out? I’ve had these feelings before, but it feels different now. When I felt this way before, it didn’t help that I was also in an abusive environment at home and at work. I am not in either of those environments now and up until recently, I’ve been feeling pretty content. I don’t really know what happened. It’s like when you see a balloon deflate but cannot figure out where the hole is.
Frankly, the only thing keeping me sane is listening to music and writing, so here I am. I am so used to bottling up my emotions and hiding my feelings that writing has really been the only way I can express myself. I sometimes feel like I cannot trust anyone thanks to people betraying my trust in the past. I hate that shit. I fucking hate it. I feel very lonely. It sucks because sometimes all I want is to connect with someone, but I always have to keep my guard up because I don’t know when they will turn on me. I think I have one person who I can be honest with and she is going through her own shit right now so, yeah. I love being able to write out my feelings, but I do wish I had someone to talk to.
I hope I start feeling better soon.