I’m annoyed. I’ve been trying to read a book for about a month. I bought the book early last year on a spontaneous trip to Barnes and Noble. I have talked extensively up here about how much I have loved to read books throughout my life. Back in 2017 and 2018 I reignited my love for reading. I read so many books in those two years, I chronicled my Goodreads journeys and book reviews in various blog posts some of which you can check out: here, here, and here. I don’t know why I have fallen off with reading, but it is frustrating me. I actually haven’t even purchased a book since last year. Like WTF?! I even considered re-reading some of the books in my bookshelf, but I can’t get the urge to do that either. Maybe I should take a trip to Barnes and Noble or my local library to get the feeling back. I don’t know. I typically read a variety of genres. I like fiction and non-fiction. Historical fiction is very interesting. I love memoirs/auto-biographies as well. Some of the books I bought last year, I tried to read and didn’t have much luck. I think in total last year, I read 2 of the 4 books that I purchased. Maybe I should try audiobooks. I really don’t know. I’ll see what I end up doing. I certainly have enough books in my bookshelf to try something.
Last year was one hell of a year! I wrote about my frustrations in this post: America is Exhausting: A Rant. I’m finally ready to add a part two. So, as I discussed in a previous post, I’ve been having trouble writing. Well, I’m slowly getting back into the habit. In my post from last year, I talked about how exhausting the political climate was, the chaos unfolding in the streets, and how everyone was so hostile and tense over the most banal things. The political climate hasn’t calmed down much even with a new president, and with the pandemic still raging on, people are even more short tempered and hostile. I had to literally re-arrange my social media feeds and stop watching the daily news, because everything was so wild.
I love America, I also recognize that America has it’s problems. There is no need for me to harp on those issues, at least not in this post. I think the climate we are in right now is one that is hell-bent on division and chaos. We live in a time where everyone seemingly hates America and is all too eager to list out this country’s problems. I find this counterproductive. It has only caused more strife and harm among us as people. I’m tired of the arguing, I’m tired of the fighting, I want us to come together. Yes, we can all acknowledge that America has problems, but we can also find common ground. I want the best for this country. I want us to learn from the past and work together to create a bright future for those that come after that. In order to do that, we need to cut out all the political nonsense and find common ground.
Democrat vs Republican, Gay vs Straight, White vs Black, its all distracting us from our greater goal, uniting America. This is the United States of America, after all. Maybe, I’m too idealistic, and things have gone way too far off the rails. I’m just honestly tired. I want better for America, but I believe the only way we can get America to be better, is by stopping all the fighting and coming together as one.
So, I have had this blog for 8 years. There have been times where I felt more comfortable posting my opinions on here versus anywhere else. I have talked about politics, music, television, mental health, and so much more. Yet, for some reason, I’m starting to feel insecure with what I write. I’ve always been a quiet person, and writing has allowed me to express myself especially during times where I couldn’t in real life. This blog and my personal journal have been a saving grace when I needed it. I have dealt with writer’s block in the past and I wasn’t active on this blog for some time because life got in the way as well. As I come back to the blogging world, I’m feeling a bit insecure. I’m feeling like my opinion does not matter. Not so much matter like change the world with my words, but matter in the sense that I have a right to have an opinion at all. Before I started my blog, the only time i would share my opinion on anything was when I was writing in my personal journal. I did not grow up in a household where speaking my mind was allowed. I poured all my emotions into my journal because that was the only place I had where I could truly express myself.
I grew up during the start of social media. I remember when I first made my Myspace page. I enjoyed Myspace even though my parents made sure they had access to my page. When Facebook started popping off, I got on there too, but the same caveat, my parents monitored my page. When I say monitored, I mean, they made sure they were on my friends list, so anytime i would post something, they could see it. So again, even though I was on social media, I still couldn’t truly express myself. Then Twitter came along. I joined Twitter in 2011 at 19. My parents couldn’t oversee my Twitter because I had the app, not the desktop version. It was on my phone, which I did not allow them access to. At that time, my phone was the only material item I had complete control over. I’ll admit, I was pretty wild on Twitter in my early days. As I have mentioned numerous times, I started this blog in 2013, so I was on Twitter for a good 2 years before I came to the blogging world. I’m still on Twitter now. Twitter was where I could really let loose. Nobody knew me, so I could say what I wanted without fear or worry. I could finally speak my mind. Twitter became my safe space. I then started my blog and that opened up more of a space for me to speak my mind. Many of my earlier posts on here are simple musings of how I felt at time with other posts mixed in. The purpose of my blog has always been to share my view of the world with a bunch of strangers since the people in my real life didn’t give two fucks about what I felt or had to say. So, I had Twitter, this blog, and my personal journal to express all my feelings.
Twitter, this blog, and my personal journal really gave me the space I needed to express how I felt as I was going through such difficult times. I still love Twitter. I still love this blog. I still write in my journal. However, I feel like I shouldn’t be writing. I don’t know how to describe this feeling. It’s like imposter syndrome mixed with writer’s block mixed with depression?? Lately, when I try to sit down and write a post, it feels daunting. For example, I wanted to do a political post where I update everyone on my political stance and share some other insightful things, but when I sat down to start typing, I stopped. I just couldn’t type anything. I started thinking about whether I should even be writing about that even though I have written political posts before. I thought about how so much has changed in my personal political views and how I didn’t want to offend anyone, but also that I couldn’t hold my feelings in either. I was caught between a rock and a hard place in a way. I want to be free to express myself and all that I learn, which has always been the purpose of my blog, but I also have the innate need to be liked. I don’t want to piss anyone off, but then again I don’t want to care so much about how others view me. I don’t know.
Most likely, I will eventually write that post. I will probably be writing a lot of posts that shine a light on how I’ve changed over the last few years. The feelings I have right now, I am just going to feel them. Its valid, I know. It’s strange. Absolutely. I’m going to keep trucking. Writing this actually helped. I think reiterating why I started this blog and going back over my time as a sheltered, controlled teen, who couldn’t express myself, is helping me see how import my writing is, not to others, but to myself. As I mentioned earlier, when I could not express myself in real life, I went to my blog, my personal journal, and Twitter. I didn’t care who read it. I didn’t worry about offending anyone, I just wrote. I need to get that feeling back, but I don’t know how. How do I get back to writing and not caring how its perceived?? How do i get back to writing freely without mincing words? I don’t have answers for these questions right now. I hope I can regain that spark. We will just have to see, I guess.
I’m still on my deconversion journey. Work is going good. Life is good. I want to get some thoughts off my mind. So much has happened since my last post. We lost Kobe Bryant 💔. The 2020 election coverage is heating up. The primaries are in about two weeks. Dwayne Wade’s daughter came out as transgender 🏳️🌈.
- Kobe Bryant: on January 26, Kobe, his daughter Gianna, and 7 others died in a plane crash in California. The news sent shockwaves across the country. I grew up watching Kobe play so it was surreal to find out he passed. I’m still shocked that he is gone. What’s even sadder, is that his 13 year old daughter as well as two other 13 year olds and their parents passed away as well. Kobe and Gianna have been laid to rest in a private ceremony already. The televised public memorial service will be on the 24th of this month. That date was picked because Gianna’s jersey number was 2, and Kobe’s number was 24, so 2/24.
- 2020 election: the Democratic field is narrowing down. I don’t know if the candidates are able to beat Trump, but I hope so. I’m glad the field is narrowed down though because there was just so many nominees at one point.
- Zaya Wade: I am so glad Zaya and her family decided to share this news with us. Dwayne and Gabrielle are doing the right thing by supporting their child. Of course there are naysayers out there who have negative stuff to say, but honestly it’s none of our business what Dwayne and Gabrielle do with their child. Their decision to come out publicly was for everyone who can’t come out. It’s for the families with transgender kids who don’t have the wealth and resources to be out publicly. I applaud their decision to allow Zaya to be who she is. Unconditional love is something that all parents should show their kids. The child didn’t ask to be brought into this world, so the least the parent can do is love them unconditionally. Dwayne and Gabrielle are loving their child unconditionally and I love to see that.
- Deconversion: I’m about a month into my deconversion journey. I’m currently reading Misquoting Jesus by Bart Ehrman. I am part of two Facebook groups that are for non-believers and those who are de-converting. I am glad to have found these groups because I live in the Bible Belt and I don’t really have anyone to talk to in real life. I also watch a lot of YouTube videos about atheism and de-converting from religion. Some channels I really enjoy are: GM Skeptic, Cosmic Skeptic, DarkMatter2525, Seth Andrews & The Thinking Atheist, William Jones, Mr. Atheist, and Atheist Experience.