Tag Archives: Mental Health

Feelings

It Has Been Quite A Week

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It’s been a rough couple days for me. I need melatonin to sleep and even then cannot sleep through the night. Work has been exhausting when I normally am indifferent toward it. Memories from my childhood have now crept into my daily thoughts. I’m honestly struggling right now. Today is my first day off since last Wednesday and all I will be doing today is listening to music and taking naps. I don’t have the mental energy to do much else. I’m really not with the bullshit today. To keep myself from completely losing it, I have to write these feelings out. It’s the only way I can process it. I am trying to understand what keeps people going. What the fuck about this shitstorm of a world makes people want to stay? What is it, because I’m having a hard time figuring this out? I’ve had these feelings before, but it feels different now. When I felt this way before, it didn’t help that I was also in an abusive environment at home and at work. I am not in either of those environments now and up until recently, I’ve been feeling pretty content. I don’t really know what happened. It’s like when you see a balloon deflate but cannot figure out where the hole is.

Frankly, the only thing keeping me sane is listening to music and writing, so here I am. I am so used to bottling up my emotions and hiding my feelings that writing has really been the only way I can express myself. I sometimes feel like I cannot trust anyone thanks to people betraying my trust in the past. I hate that shit. I fucking hate it. I feel very lonely. It sucks because sometimes all I want is to connect with someone, but I always have to keep my guard up because I don’t know when they will turn on me. I think I have one person who I can be honest with and she is going through her own shit right now so, yeah. I love being able to write out my feelings, but I do wish I had someone to talk to.

I hope I start feeling better soon.

Feelings

Odds and Ends: An Update

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I finished a book I was reading today. it was Transcendent Kingdom by Yaa Gyasi. I’m not sure if I will start my next book later this week or on the 1st of October.

I’ve been very anxious lately, questioning my life and trying to figure out what I want. I thought I was content, dare I say, complacent, with where I am at, but lately, I’ve been feeling restless. I don’t know what is up. I’ve discussed some things with close family members, but I know, whatever I decide is completely up to me.

On the hobbies front, I’m still coding in Python. I even set up a Github page.

News

Parts Unknown: Anthony Bourdain and Me

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I am 26 years old today. I woke up at 8 am EST, to get ready for work. I turned on the television and a breaking news segment appeared. Celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain’s face filled the screen. The words came out too quick, Bourdain had died by apparent suicide in a Paris hotel. He was 61 years old. This just three days after fashion designer Kate Spade died by suicide. The Center for Disease Control also released a report this past week saying that suicide rates have increased more than 30% between 1999 to 2016. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S. and is one of just three leading causes that are on the rise. Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade were just two celebrities who have died by suicide in recent years. The list includes Chester Bennington, Dave Mira, Robin Williams, Lee Thompson Young, Don Cornelius, and Chris Lighty. It goes to show fame does not make one immune to suicide or mental health issues.

I am 26 years old today and I did not think I’d be here. Suicide has been a persistent thought for the past few years. When I started this blog back in 2013 I had just come out of a dark period. I was unsure of what I wanted to do with my life and felt pressured to make a decision that everyone would be happy with. I felt as if I was just going through the motions and not really living. Seeking treatment had crossed my mind at the time, but the stigma surrounding mental health and worry about how others would feel, kept me silent. I poured my heart into my journal and on here, put a brave face on for the world, and kept going. I was not even happy, I just plastered on a smile and tried to make sure everyone else was happy even though I was miserable. By 2015, I had a plan for how I was going to die. Things had been up and down to that point and I was tired. I felt alone and that no one cared or understood. I could not talk to my family and I did not want to burden my friends with how I was feeling. I did not go through with my plan.

I am 26 years old today and I woke up to the news that Anthony Bourdain died by suicide. It is 2018, and people are still dying by suicide. People are still worried about how they will be treated once they disclose that they struggle with suicidal thoughts and depression. There is still stigma and fear. I am 26 years old today and I have come a long way, but I know I still have far to go. May the families of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain find some peace. If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, reach out to the National Suicide Prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text TALK to 741-741 to reach Crisis Text Line.

Daily Prompt

I Won’t Make Any Promises| Daily Prompt

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My mind has been playing with me.

Do I live or do I die?

I love you, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t know what is happening.

I hid it in my nightstand.

I knew you would not want me to have it.

I couldn’t resist baby.

I needed it.

Maybe it is my final purchase.

$295 plus tax.

Do I live or do I die?

It is cleaned and loaded.

I won’t make any promises

I can only say it feels good against my head.

 

via Daily Prompt: Promises